You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
