I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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