He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
