There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
this is an emotional support booty call
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
