I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
