If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
