best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
pop tarts are not kleenex
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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