I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
