You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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