just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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