Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I can't put those talents on a resume
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
