She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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