I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
