My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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