I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
