Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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