Too much gin, very little bucket
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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