Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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