the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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