toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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