ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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