if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize