I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
