She is in my trunk
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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