my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
