I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
