Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
