If i come over, it means nothing
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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