I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
