hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
