The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
