that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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