well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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