I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
