i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
