Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I wish there were birth control emojis
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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