i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
