Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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