My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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