Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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