sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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