when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
