So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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