apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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