you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
