when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
