My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize