Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
