she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize