Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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