This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
