I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
