she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Drunk is not a location!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
