U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Boobs are out for the taking
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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