I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
