one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
