my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You ruined the universe
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
