I must be too annoying 4 u.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
