everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
