I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
