I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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