make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
