I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
