life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
my being single is dangerous.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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