My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He shit in the fireplace
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