dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
