its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
