so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
