After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
